Assignment 22 - Thomas Noll

A somewhat absurd and haphazard influence on my daily life comes from a messy stack of papers and notebooks I keep on my dresser. Lots of people keep diaries for a variety of reasons, personally I never had the drive or care. However as early as second grade, whenever a major event or revelation occurred in my life, I was sure to write. I ridiculed myself with the same usual questions every person has at some point: about religion, beauty, relationships, ideologies. And I would (and still do) come back to re-answer these same questions with my perceived superior mindset. The significance this habit marks on my character is not what I wrote, in fact it is nearly impossible to not wince at the whiny edgy scribbles that made up sixth grade. Rather today, even though I never foresaw the outcome, these entries serve more as a reliable record of my lucidity, and an insistent reminder of my mortality. I can laugh at the absurd thoughts put forth by fifteen year old me, just as he laughed at the thoughts of twelve year old me. But so long as I do that I must be aware, despite all my efforts, that some future me will likewise inevitably laugh at present me. In other words, I find myself inadvertently held accountable for my thoughts and actions by myself. I'm forced to recognize that people change and I will never be the same imperfect person, nor will I ever achieve a state of perfection. The best I can do is learn from my (well documented) past mistakes, and always strive for the best possible idea of thought I can manage. It is this obligation that I carry in my life, and keep on me through college.